stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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