i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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