im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
