Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
