wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
