After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
