Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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