I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
