She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
