Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
