just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
