dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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