Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
