she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
