Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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