does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
