I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
