Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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