if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Let's get the cat blown out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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