I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
