I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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