I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
