Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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