If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
