so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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