my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
