I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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