take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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