I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
