I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
