"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
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