we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
