May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
