32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
