I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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