Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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