My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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