1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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