I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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