I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
