Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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