Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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