Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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