Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
