speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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