What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
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