could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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