Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
