Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
