i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
