I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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