Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
