Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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