hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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