I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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